About six or so days ago, I expressed how I have been feeling lately on my social media. I expressed how tired I have been when it comes to men that I have dated hurting me and screwing me over, friendships, and even former co-workers in the same manner as well.
A few people have popped up sending me DMs telling me to “stay positive” and to not give these people the time of day. Naturally, this would be amazing advice, of course when something negative is being thrown your way, it is always best to remain positive, always. However, there are times where I have felt that “stay positive” is not the best advice to give in certain situations. I also think that good advice depends on who it comes from. When I took a look at who sent me these messages, I scrunched my face in annoyance and anger for a few reasons.
The people who have sent me these messages are people who have caused me some sort of trauma in my life once upon a time ago. This is not me bashing them or sending any hateful energy in any way, this was just something that I’ve noticed and needed to address. I just find it strange that people can break your heart, your spirit, your essence, your psyche, but also feel the need to give you advice on how to live your life; for most of us, these people are family, close friends, even your spouse.
This may be seen as “reaching” to some people that come across this, but sometimes I feel that when people advise that you should “think positive” and “don’t give them the time of day” for the sole purpose of shutting you up. Think, when you’re on social media scrolling and you see a close friend or family member post something, you automatically think that post is about you, even though there is a ninety percent chance that it’s not. It’s just something we can’t help but wonder at the end of the day. Guilt comes into play here if you have done this person wrong in the past and the last thing anyone wants to face is the fact that they have hurt someone, and have too much pride to take responsibility for the situation. Let’s keep it real here, a lot of us don’t like to admit that sometimes we are the problem. The last thing we want to see is someone telling the truth about our toxic ways, so we have to find a way to shut them up.
From my own personal experiences, I have discovered that this is the mentality of a lot of people in my life that have hurt me whether they will ever admit it or not. They hit me with the “stay positive” as a code for ignore that person that hurt you, ignore all of what they done and it will all just go away. They want me to ignore it the same way I ignored them when they were doing me wrong so they wont feel guilty anymore. A lot of them really wanted me to let things go because they didn’t want me to add certain things together, put the pieces of the puzzle together, coming to my senses, realizing what they’ve done to me and how they’ve treated me is wrong because they can’t face themselves, or too stubborn and idiotic to do so. Fake positivity alert! They give me this advice because they want me to stay in that stuck energy, staying passive, not standing up for myself because then they are exposed and the mask falls off. This epiphany that I’ve had has made me very cautious of who I received advice from or vent to, not everyone you go to has your best interest, especially if you are one who is spiritual, and and empath, we tend to attract the worst of these types of people and their toxic positivity unfortunately. I say to you my fellow mystic, trust your intuition.
Myself personally, I am beginning to not like the phrases “think positive” and “don’t give them the time of day” because of the toxic ways people have used this to give advice. I have learned and hate the fact that some people in my life are low key trying to keep myself and others down and disguising it with a saying that is supposed to uplift one another.
When I express that I don’t like to be treated like trash and I’m only meant with a “think positive” its almost damn near insults me! That’s like saying I shouldn’t stand up for myself, that I should allow people to disrespect me and that is an automatic no for me. I think one should be allowed to express how they feel, in a healthy way of course that’s not harming yourself or others, even if they other person just brushes it off, that person heard you, they will continue to think about what you said, regardless if they show remorse or not. They will eventually face karma for it whether you’re there to see it or not. No matter what, you know when to walk away from disrespect. You have released that energy of “I’m not one to be played with,” and that you deserve better than what you have been putting up with.
A lot of people also use toxic positivity as a projection also, coming from my example, they most likely are telling you to ignore your problems and “think positive” is because they are ignoring their own demons and can’t seem to or don’t want to break away from whatever it is that is plaguing them. Of course, they’re not going to admit it to you, but you’ll definitely know it when you’re talking to this person. I heard this quote from a movie called Little Black Book starring the late Brittany Murphy (RIP) and Holly Hunter. In the movie, Holly Hunter’s character (forgot her name) says, “People will tell you who they are, if you just listen.”
The same people telling you to “stay positive” and “ignore them” are the same people who are in shitty relationships, getting ignored and treated like shit on the daily by someone that they love that claims they love them, for some reason can’t seem to escape it, or don’t want to; these are most likely people who are stuck in a marriage with the wrong person, or at a job working for a boss who abuses their power but refuses to find another job because of money. We call these people crabs in a barrel, these types of people giving others advice, bad advice never seem to be able to escape toxic situations, the last thing they want is to see someone else breaking free because it makes them feel inferior.
“I don’t want you to break free from that horrible marriage because I’m in one, so I’ll tell you to think positive and ignore them to keep you in the same position that I am in instead of encouraging you to leave because I don’t have the balls or lady balls to do the same.”
“You’re in a shitty job, I’m in a shitty job, you should be in your shitty job, suffering with me because I can’t leave. So I’ll tell you to think positive ignore the people you work with instead of telling you to apply for a new job because you’ll find a better one. I am suffering to make a bag, you should do the same.”
These are just my prime examples, this can resonate with ANYTHING in your life that has affected you in a negative way.
Do not allow yourself to be silenced by toxic positivity. You were placed in this crazy world to be you, not worry about the insecurities and hang ups of people who want to keep you down while trying to look like a holier than thou saint.
Don’t get me wrong, not everyone that gives you advice has this unhealthy mentality, but someone who means well, truly means well, would never advise you to stay in a situation that no longer serves you.
I won’t even tell any lies, these past two weeks haven’t been so great. My energy levels have been an all time low, it could be due to my son wanting to stay up all night and sleeping all day, it could also be this emotional turmoil that I have been dealing with as well. I guess I shouldn’t say turmoil as I am not exactly torn up over this as I thought I was going to be.
Safe to say, I gave someone from my past a chance and what happens? The same thing that has happened ever since we got together. He ditches me, ghosts me, completely doesn’t answer my calls or text messages even though the day before everything was great.
Most people would say he may be busy, but come on, it’s 2022 everyone has a phone on them nowadays and it doesn’t take but two or so seconds to answer a call or a text. I’m not stupid, he’s done this before, I’ve dealt with this for years. I memorized his pattern when it comes to me, unfortunately.
I have spent so many years wondering why he keeps coming back into my life just to leave me or go be with someone else. This time I feel a little differently, after I wrote him a text telling him that I am no longer interested in continuing whatever we were doing. I cried my last tears over him and blocked him from every single social media that we both have, yep even Twitch which sucks because he’s now the reason why I want to start my own channel there.
I said before that even if it didn’t work out that everything is going to be okay and it is. I’m still alive, I have food in my home, my son is healthy and well, so everything is really okay. Sometimes things just don’t work out and I have to take this as a harsh lesson. If I take it as him just wanting to ruin my life, I’d be in pieces from all the previous times.
Even though I am okay physically, emotionally I am a little hurt, actually a lot hurt. It sucks to know that someone I have known since childhood can’t even give me the decency or respect that I rightfully deserve, but has no problem giving the world to other women who never seem to care about his well being. Homie is on his 3rd baby mama now…you would think someone would learn a thing about karma or do some inner work and find out why they seem to have trouble finding someone, but what do I know? I can’t even get a response so who wants relationship advice from me?
Sometimes I can’t help but want to see revenge. Each time he didn’t answer a call I just felt angry. Why would he do this again after I told him that this was a problem for me because of our past? He said he understood so why keep doing it? I learned the hard way that he didn’t give a shit or never did. IF he did, he had a funny way of showing it. One thing to take away from this is if you tell someone that what they’re doing to you hurts your feelings and they STILL keep doing it…they don’t care, move on. That’s exactly what I had to do but I can’t help but want to seek a little bit of revenge; make him hurt the same way he has been hurting me all these years, hopefully make him cry a tear or something.
I just want him to know how it feels, just understand how he’s been making me feel, hopefully have an epiphany and think “Damn this is wrong and I shouldn’t do that.”
But unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. Even if I did come up with a grand slam of schemes to ruin his life it really wouldn’t make me feel any better or do any justice.
I mean I went into this knowing that there was a possibility of this happening again and not working out just like most people do when they connect with someone.
Seeking revenge is not going to make him want me back and rekindle our connection, if anything it would make it worse and cause drama that I do not have any time for. There are a bunch of other things I need to put my energy into and I think this was the lesson that I needed.
Today is a new day after clearing my energy of this guy for good. We did have a lot of unfinished business and I truly believe that this was a karmic cycle that needed closure and now we have it, the both of us. We can now move forward of the past and try again with someone else, well at least he can. I think for my I just want to stay alone. I just don’t think dating is in the cards for me at least right now, the fact that nothing really seems to be working out when I do try signals that maybe it’s just not the right time, sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a right time, but I have wasted so much time trying to figure it out, summer is around the corner, maybe I just need to have a little bit of fun. Maybe I should just date, make connections and not take them so seriously right now. At least that’s where my mind is headed. I am tired of shutting myself out and it would be nice to go on an actual date. I guess right now I shouldn’t fear the unknown when it comes to my love life or lack thereof. As the famous Joker would say…why so serious?
It’s interesting how powerful the mind really is. I didn’t believe it at first, but you can really will yourself into situations without even knowing it, the mind is truly a manifestation. The more you think about something, there is a good chance that it can actually happen in real life. A lot of people do this without even knowing what they are doing, at times it can be sort of scary.
Last night/this morning I was thinking a lot about my collection of tarot cards that I have, when I say collection, I REALLY mean collection, but we can get into that another time. After my breakup with my last boyfriend I went through several spiritual awakenings that oddly caused a shit load of headaches. I was guided to tarot instantly and just like that it became familiar, like relearning to walk after breaking your leg, or riding a bike after not doing it for some time. It was like I knew how to do this in past life and it was all coming back to me.
I haven’t done much of it lately because I fell back in love with writing again, but it’s always been the same thing for the past four years, I try to get away from tarot, but I am drawn right back into it again. It’s like a pull that I absolutely cannot resist.
During my insomnia I thought of one particular card in general; The Eight of Swords.
As you see, there is a young woman tied up surrounded by eight swords with a blindfold over her eyes, unable to see anything, unable to move, or so she thinks. She can’t see that all she has to do to move forward is release herself from the lose bandages and take her blindfold off to be free. The swords represent communication, thoughts, quick action. The young woman in this situation is basically stuck in her very own mental prison.
My love for writing came about when I was a young girl, probably about five or six, basically when I was able to pick up a writing tool, I wrote a story called “The Girl In The Traps.” This is one of my mom’s favorite stories that she still talks about to this day. I honestly can’t remember what the plot was but the illustration was somewhat similar to the picture above. That is all I can remember from this story that everyone in my family seems to know.
Looking back on it, from the little memories I have, I can’t help but wonder if I was predicting my future in some way. My life path number is eight which makes it even more weird.
I am currently in this state of mind today, actually I have been in this state of mind for a long time. I would say all of my life but that might be stretching it, I don’t know.
This mental imprisonment I have been in has applied to all areas of my life: Career, love, family, friends, etc. For the longest of times I have felt as if I truly could not be myself. I always felt trapped in some sort of way. I have always been afraid to take risks that I know I should take, I have held back my feelings on a lot of things because I didn’t want to rock the boat, or hurt anyone’s feelings. I felt like just my mere existence offends people at times. I have been The Girl In The Traps still for so long and I never thought that maybe, just maybe, I could have been warning my future self and I didn’t listen. It sounds crazy when you think about it, but it’s a really hard thought for me to get away from. I have been ignoring my inner child, literally for so long that it has held me back from the things in life that I truly, madly, deeply have been wanting for the longest time. It’s not a good feeling to know that you, yourself, your being has been holding you back, it’s so easy to blame others, knowing that something is your fault is a huge ego check and it’s also a low blow.
This is something clearly that I have been struggling with. I have been trying to get out of this energy for so long I barely have enough wiggle room in these invisible bandages, but all I had to do was move my damn hands and make and attempt to remove them myself and take off the blindfold and look all around me, see the world, be free and be happy. I know now to never ignore any thoughts like these ever again even if they seem taboo or strange to others. My thoughts and feelings are real and here to stay and I need to remember that I cant stay in the eight of swords energy forever. I mean, I can but what good will that do?
I can’t count the number of times I have been told that I am a strong woman. I’ve lost track, I couldn’t give you an actual number if I wanted to.
I like the compliment, honestly, I mean who doesn’t? Who doesn’t want to be appreciated for their perseverance when they were faced with the most gut wrenching life changes that affect them for the rest of their lives?
It’s safe to say I’ve been to hell and back, and hell again, and then back again. Sometimes these were life lessons, other times these were bad choices, resulting in life lessons afterwards. I’ve got stories for days! A lot of them most folks around me know about, others are some really deep dark situations that I am not ready to talk about openly with the world, some of them I am still recovering from them because these situations have damaged me mentally.
As much as I am praised for being a strong woman, sometimes I am tired of it. Being the strong one all the time can be daunting and energy consuming. I get so tired of being the ginuea pig of life, the lab rat, the science experiment; I am aware that part or all of my life’s purpose is using my pain to help others get through situations such as the ones I’ve been through, but sometimes I hate it. I feel like I’m a pawn in the world of chess thrown to battle at the forefront protecting everyone else in this world when I really should be the queen.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean queen as in some spoiled brat dressed in pearls being overly demanding for absolutely no reason. I just mean that it would be nice to have someone be strong for me. It would be so nice to have a handsome warrior beside me fighting for me and then showing me with his love and affection after the battle is won.
I have been in both my masculine and feminine energies for the longest because I have to be. I am a single parent of a son with autism whose father is not around, I have had to embody both qualities of man and woman because I am all he has. I’ve been more in my masculine energy than my feminine energy because I have to protect him and me no matter what.
Until I encounter a man of sorts I am still having to balance both energies but it would be so nice to just tone down a bit and embrace my feminine energies. I would love to take care of my handsome warrior after a long day of battle. Providing him with sweetness after dealing with the harshness of this cruel world that doesn’t seem to get any better. Cook for him, keeping the home and children together, just to make things easier for him so he can make things easier for me, things like that.
Call me traditional or make fun of me even, but though all of the tough bitch exterior I give off, that’s really what I want when it comes to a relationship and marriage. I want to stop being a warrior and finally become a lady and let him be center stage with me behind the scenes, getting him ready for whatever comes our way, be his support system for once. Alexa, queue, “Cater 2 U” by Destiny’s Child.
Sounds silly but there are times when I just get so tired of being a warrior woman with a sword as a bedfellow. It would be so nice to just be in the arms of a man who wants to provide for me, mentally, physically, sexually, financially, everything. It would be so nice to feel like a woman and for him not to feel so emasculated by my independence.
I know being a strong woman is one hell of a title, but I am openly admitting that I am tired of being strong. I don’t want it anymore. I want to feel emotions, I want to feel like it’s okay to cry when I need to and not have to put on the “I’m okay,” brave face that I have been putting on for years because feeling pain and crying is considered weakness.
I just want to feel like a woman again instead of one being trapped with the mentality of a man.
This is something I have a lot of trouble with. I think this is something a lot of people have trouble with. One of the trickiest things in life is indeed forgiveness.
It can either push you forward or keep you stuck, held back like dragging garbage everywhere you go. I didn’t believe it at first but it really does help you move forward with any fall out that you had with someone.
I never believed in forgiveness because it was something that was never appreciated on my end; meaning that whenever I chose to forgave someone, they went ahead and did the exact same thing that caused the fallout to begin with. I was so hurt whenever it happened, and the fact that it happened so constantly with the people in my life that I basically said to myself:
“What is the point of forgiving him/her when all they are going to do is fuck it up again?”
So I stopped, I stopped forgiving and just kept the anger I had with whoever it was at the time. If I ever saw them, I acted as if they were nothing more than an acquaintance, when we’ve known each other for years, for some decades. I did this with a vengeance, with spite, and malice all in one. I wanted them to know how I was feeling and that they would never be forgiven and if I hurt their feelings then mission accomplished.
Over the past couple of weeks I had do so some thinking when it comes to someone in my life. He came back once again wanting to connect with me as I mentioned before and I was already on the fence with a hard no and some really harsh words, hurtful words, disguised as “the truth” and what he needed to hear. I spit it all out, venom they call it, impulsively without any thinking, just the thought of everything he put me through, all of the horrible memories coming back. That’s all I was thinking about, that’s all I cared about. How he hurt me was the only thing that mattered.
After my millions of text messages that I sent about how he hurt me and some really not so nice things that followed, I really had to sit and think to myself. I will openly admit that I was being a total hypocrite, going against everything that I have been trying to teach myself and others about being forgiving, self love, showing kindness even with others have not shown it to you etc. I almost felt like I ruined everything I worked hard for, like a famous CEO that has ruined their reputation and can’t get it back and boom, there goes their company, their integrity, their fame, funds, everything. That was probably a bad example, but it was the only one I could think of.
Yes my brain has been in a bit of a whirlwind lately, it’s been THAT bad, but as they say in Hollywood.
The show must go on.
My higher self was not okay with the conversation we had. It was hard for me to sleep. I kept thinking about him, damn near heard his voice in my head, hell we can even say he invaded my dreams, even if he doesn’t believe that he did.
I hope I am not seen as a pushover or weak for saying this, but something in the pit of my stomach has been telling me to let all of this shit from the past go and give it a try. To emotionally walk away from the past and move on.
Even when someone hurts us, especially the way I have been hurt by this person, we are continuing the hurt by not releasing what happened in the past. The stinking bag of garbage is still there, preventing both of us to move forward whether it’s with each other or not.
Holding on to garbage, well, it starts to stink, terribly, preventing anything new to come your way. It’s the same with holding on to the past, it’s preventing you from finding something new, gaining a new perspective on life or a relationship. For the other person, it’s a constant reminder of how they used to be, and how they will never have anything new moving forward because of how horrible of a person they are.
Neither of them are good feelings to have.
I turned back around and apologized for the things I said because it was wrong, period. I had to take accountability for what I did, just as he did when he decided to contact me. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want the connection back but it was really about the principle for me. No matter what happens with us. I want this shitty garbage bag to be out of my way, out of his way so we can both move forward. I don’t want to ever waste another day thinking about what happened decades ago because it really is old news.
Things like this have been the reason why I have been so isolated for a few good years. I can’t trust anyone because when I have, they hurt me. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want to let people in, let them get to know me and me get to know them but in order for me to do that, I have to take that risk. I have to trust that everything will be okay no matter what.
It will hurt if he does betray my trust, that’s for sure, but I will feel better knowing that I tried this time, I actually did. I want to give this a try, I want to connect and see what happens; for the first time in a long time I want to take a risk, let him back in my life and live a little. Is that wrong?
Dominique L. Hunter
What a song that describes how I feel at this very moment.
“Infidel to die for.”
How fitting, except I wouldn’t even stand in front of a bullet for him.
If anything, I feel as if he pointed the gun at me many, many times.
Where do I begin here? I don’t even want to start from the beginning, in fact, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I have so many negative memories from our “connection” I can’t even remember the positives, and that my friend is really unfortunate.
The fact that I can’t even think of one good memory of you, besides the ones in the bedroom, speaks volumes. It is also a good reason why we should remain from being in each other’s lives. The fact that you brought me yet another one, honestly brings out a lot of hateful feelings that I have been trying to put away when it comes to you, when it comes to men and dating in general. I was having a great morning until you hit me up after two weeks of not speaking to me telling me that I am verbally abusive and toxic, when you realized that I wasn’t going to just let you waltz into my life as if nothing happened, without even failing to realize the severity of our situation.
The first time we met, the very first time we met as adults, you told me that you were single when in fact you weren’t, like an idiot, I fell for it because I really liked you. The same crush you had on me, I had on you as well. I wanted you, I WANTED to see you, spend time with you, have sex with you, all of it so I did, thinking that we were two single people connecting and having a good time. Little did I know that it wasn’t the case. I was devastated when you didn’t call me back or answer any of my messages and phone calls but it hurt even more when I found out that not only were you in a relationship, you were living with this woman and had a family.
I had to walk away from you then. I am not someone that intentionally gets involved with someone who is already with another woman, nor will I ever. I should have known that you were not someone who takes responsibility for their actions because you obviously did not tell the truth about what happened, instead you made me look like the one who initiated everything when in fact I did not. You made it seem like I was trying to get in the middle of your relationship, a relationship that I knew nothing about until after I moved to another state, luckily I did because honestly, things would have gotten uglier than they already have, and that’s just me being real.
Years have gone by and this seems to be the same old song an dance, we have been back and forth for years, literally doing the same thing, sadly. You text me, wanting to connect and see me, we do connect, then poof! You disappear! Why? Because you already have someone else but once again lie and tell me that you don’t. This is the same song and dance that both of us can’t seem to stop doing. I believe, this is what true lust is really like. I wanted it to be love, but at this point, I have to accept the reality that has been placed in front of me. Even if it hurts.
The physicality between us is nothing short of amazing. I will openly admit that and always will. We have great sex, but nothing more, there was always someone else in your life, but when we wanted sex, we were always to each other’s rescue.
We are both at fault for what happened between us, but at least I can admit it. I am at fault for still allowing you to come back to my life without so much as a real apology for lying to me, not making you actually earn my trust and thinking with rose colored glasses. It’s your fault for not staying away from me, even when you’re with someone else. Recently, I tried again with you, really believing what you were saying. It’s been a long time since the last dance and I began to think about how good it was, how good our bodies felt when were were under or even above the covers, how good looking you are, and everything under the sun. I had to give this another chance, or at least see if this was meant to be, if these promises you were making were really true, surprise, they weren’t. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
Confusing lust and love is all fun and games until it becomes very dangerous, and it sucks that we have both been playing these games for years because we wanted what we wanted. He wanted to get his rocks off, although he tells me that’s not the case when clearly it is, and I wanted to fulfill a silly little fantasy of actually establishing a relationship with a crush from my childhood, that happily ever after with your childhood sweetheart that everyone wants, but rarely gets.
It amazes me that he can’t seem to remember the millions of times we have done this and how it made me feel every time he disappeared from my life only to reappear again, to do the same thing. I am getting dizzy from just thinking about it!
I just know I can’t do this anymore, the crazy part is I am always going to think about how good the physically aspects are. I said what I meant and meant what I said because you needed to hear it and I guess things happened the way they did because I needed the truth. I needed to know that things were not going to be because it’s not love, it’s lust.
I have no reservations about moving on and closing out this cycle for good so I can finally move on with someone else, or you do whatever you do.
My one and only fear is that you’re going to come back and that I’m going to give in once again.
This past Saturday I had some time to myself, a little gift from my father for my birthday which was really nice. I got to escape from mommy duty for a bit and go out alone, which is still weird to me sometimes, but after some time, I really ended up enjoying it.
I took a walk down a trail that leads to a creek behind a park, and 2 or 3 baseball fields and sat on a rock and just listened to nature. It’s crazy because flashback to Dominique about 10 years ago, she was all about the turn up, not anymore.
I loved seeing the leaves and flowers growing back on the trees after a really harsh winter, the flow of the creek was music to my ears. It was peaceful, quiet and I felt like I was able to take my time with my day.
While enjoying this moment, for some reason I kept hearing in my head, intuitively, “self esteem is a delusion,” for awhile I kept questioning as to why I kept hearing this and what this actually meant. It wouldn’t go away so I had to pick my own brain, if that makes sense.
Self esteem is not a delusion at all. The idea of someone being able to “take” someone else’s self esteem or someone being able to “take” your self esteem; that my friend is the delusion. Ever since we have arrived on this earth, we have been very co-dependent on what other people think about whatever it is that we we’re doing, who we choose to love, what we choose to wear, what we choose for a career, etc. We love these people, friends, family especially, lovers, all of the above. We want them in our lives so we go out of our way to please them, including sacrificing our own happiness. We repeat this mentally harmful cycle, quite often. We let their opinions affect how we feel about ourselves, but we fail to realize that the opinions or approval of other people are NOT a factor in how YOU feel about yourself and anything that you choose for your life.
Take the REAL definition of self esteem from the dictionary:
If you have or have been in bit of a rut for any length of time, for a few months, a year, hell maybe even decades, regarding anything in your life. The truth of the matter is you may been relying too much on other people for their approval. When you ask for an opinion on (enter whatever situation that’s on your heart at the moment) and you do not get that positive answer that you want, it can certainly make you feel as though you are unworthy.
This person or people that I really love, respect and value didn’t approve of (enter whatever situation here) so now I’m disappointed in myself, maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore, even though I really love doing it.
We think this to ourselves a lot and then we blame others for “taking our self esteem” or “making us feel insecure.” This holds us back in the worst possible way, especially when it comes to following our dreams. Think about the times when you have you shown your artistic expression to a loved one and they said it was terrible without any constructive criticism, or invited your new boyfriend or girlfriend to the family dinner and the family didn’t approve, or you wore your favorite outfit to an event and a loved one didn’t like it. How did any of those situations make you feel after you didn’t get that stamp of approval? You felt as if it wasn’t worth it if it wasn’t making everyone else happy.
At the end of the day, how you feel about yourself is not a reflection of what other people have said about you. Living in your true authentic nature is the ultimate of self esteem. NOBODY has the power to take ANYTHING from you.
Yesterday, my 33rd birthday, I was talking to a friend of mine about alcohol. I’m not really sure how the conversation started, but it did.
We traded stories about some of the things we did when we were drunk, some stories were absolutely hilarious, others weren’t so great at all.
After my friend left and I had some quiet time when my son went to sleep and I started to really think about how I had more bad stories about drinking than good. The only good story I can honestly remember was my 21st birthday. I went out with my mom, my aunts and my son’s father to one of the most famous streets in my area and went to a bar and drank everything in sight. When my son’s father and I got home that night, well my son was convinced. Don’t get me wrong, he was totally planned. My 21st birthday just happened to be the night we decided to make a baby. My son’s father and I were together well over 4 years or so before he was born. We both wanted to have a baby, well at least that’s what was said, but that’s another story for another time.
Aside from that day, I really can’t think of a time when I was truly happy during a drinking binge. I couldn’t remember anything other that what I was feeling before I picked up a bottle. I was either upset over some guy, some things that happened with whatever job I had at the time, or feeling like I was boring and wanted to be the life of the party. My solution to all of these problem was a bottle but I always seemed to create more problems than the ones I have been trying to get rid of.
Like most people in this world my drinking started in high school with a bunch of older kids. I think I started as a freshman or a sophomore. My old soul ass didn’t fit in with my peers so I connected with the juniors and seniors that were already drinking so I just joined in. I wanted to be accepted, I wanted to have friends. I already felt rejected by a lot of people and I didn’t want to me rejected anymore so I just did what everyone else did. One time I got so drunk my step mom was pissed and I was grounded for all eternity. The next morning I had to clean the house, with a hangover, being yelled at while cleaning, with a pounding headache? Yeah, one would say never again after that, but I’ve learned some really harsh lessons from not learning from my mistakes the first time. I’ve actually snuck out of the house a few times to meet up with some friends to drink. Sadly I can’t remember any more stories from high school, but I knew I was numbing a lot of pain or at least trying to forget whatever was really going on in my sick twisted head at the time.
I’ll happily report that my drinking didn’t get really intense until after my 21st birthday. I became a mom that year of course but I had also broken up with my son’s father before my baby was born and had to move back home, on top of that I had no job so money was scarce and I was dealing with postpartum as well. Just that alone would make anyone want to drink. I stayed the course until my son was old enough to stay with family for a few nights. Once I had my freedom I was out there, hanging out with the big boys at the weekend parties, drinks, drinks and more drinks. Wherever I was at, that’s where I slept that night, my hangovers became really easy for me, dealing with them was almost like a sport.
During that time I met a guy that I had really liked…A LOT! We had a whole lot in common and well the sex was great, even better when drinking in all honesty. After spending some time with him, my feelings became involved. The problem was he didn’t want a relationship with me, just the benefits. It was safe to say my self esteem was at an all time low because I still chose to go see him and be around him knowing that he was seeing other women. I drank A LOT when I went to see him. Now that I am reflecting on everything that happened with us. I was drinking a lot, creating my own fantasy world that we were in a relationship and that he was all mine and no one else’s. It was either that or that I wanted all of this pain to go away; the pain of me wanting him and him wanting other women and only wanting me when he needed something. He was the one who introduced me to drinking. He would buy and make drinks I never even heard of. The kind of drinks that really make your mind go blank to the point where you start to wonder if you are really you. Yes, it got that bad for me when it came to being around him and drinking.
I’m happily reporting that I am no longer speaking to this guy but my issues were far from over. There were other guys after him. It seemed to me like a lot of the guys that I had been involved with only seemed to like me if I were drinking with them, so of course I obliged because at the time I wanted them to like me; I was so dependent on alcohol and my need for having this guy in my life that for a long time I believed that being intoxicated made sex so much better. I found out that was that was a whole lie when I started “dating” other guys after him.
I stopped drinking hard liquor after my breakup with my last long term boyfriend that really emotionally abused me. That was about 4 years ago. I still drink red wine from time to time, on special occasions like yesterday. After this guy broke up with me, I started “connecting” with a co-worker at a place I worked at at the time. He had gone through a breakup as well so if course all we did was go out into the city, drink and hookup. I was so emotionally damaged and destroyed that it didn’t even dawn on me that I had just broken up with someone and now trying to create a relationship with someone who just wanted a good time.
After that whole fiasco, I spent a lot of time alone (due to lockdowns with the pandemic) and it made me realize that the reason why I have been drinking is because I wanted to really get away, create my own worlds where everything goes my way and everything is perfect in my life. I know now that everything does not go my way and that I have to deal with the harsh realities in my life as everyone else does and drinking hard liquor every day is not helping me heal in the way that I should and I am really thankful that I was able to stop this problem before it became out of hand.
If this story seems vague I do apologize. This did take a lot for me to write. A lot of these are repressed memories that I have tucked away for a long long time. Since I stopped drinking I have never felt more alive, clear, and healthy. Drinking is a huge struggle that a lot of people deal with and I hope that my short stories can help those who are struggling. Thank you if you have read all of this.